Written by Thomas G.J. Sharpe
With a back story featuring a futuristic past-time (1989)
and straight-outta-the-hat faction names (the Neo Loran Order, anyone?), Armed
Seven conceptually nods... nay, headbutts toward a certain area. It is a
to-the-gunpoint side-scrolling schmup featuring mechs, lasers, bullets and
guns.
Genres can rise and fall, and then re-rise, changed and
mutated, such as the point-and-click adventure. Time changes tastes and this is
the same with the side-scrolling shooter. Armed Seven does everything by
the book, even to the point of it having a clunky inelegance. It actually plays
like something from my childhood that I would curiously boot up from a demo
disk or a collection of shareware, pre-internet.
In control of a floating mech, you can pitch your guns at
angles, but not move them once firing, adding the only other element of tactics
outside of moving. You can pick your load-out, with a primary, secondary and
chargeable special weapons. These come in the expected varied formats of machine
guns, lasers, missiles and so forth. Curiously, I found, when you start a
level, be it a traditionally war-torn past-future landscape or
space-action-battlefield, the game tells you where your weak-spot is. The
player mech is surprisingly large on the screen, but the hit-box is rather
small. You can drift closer than it feels reasonable to incoming fire,
harmlessly passing through your metal legs. This somewhat broke the connection
for me between the character and controls. Hard to judge in the midst of battle.
This hints at the larger problem at the core of this game
and just about forgivable at the price (a cheerful £3.99). The vehicles are a
dull mixture of planes and mechs, and that's just about it. None of the thrill
of the bio-mechanical R-Type, or the bizarre otherwordliness of Tyrian,
or my personal favourite, the grungy, gory and brutal Gradius: Interstellar
Assault. Hell, I feel Beat Hazard has a more varied approach and
that's essentially an audio-'em-up game. A story as hammy as this deserves more
craziness, more badassery... just more.
The side-scroll-schmup exists in pockets, occurring
occasionally melted onto other game forms, or as pure and vicious shooters with
an avid fanbase. These games, to succeed in the modern game biome, need to have
adapted, whilst retaining what is essentially fun about the format. Pulling in
some new ideas does not jeopardise the “retro” or “old skool”, I just want a
bit of creativity. A customisable load-out is simply not enough to hold my
attention for sustained periods. I simply do not buy that this is any more than
a solidly made throwback. Like rockabilly music adopters who, with all the
swagger and grunt, rarely stray from what can be a staid musical experience. It
is a shame, but Armed Seven probably won't last too long in my memory. Maybe
this is the point, but I wasn't moved to much more than a passing smile of
nostalgia.
Overall 5/10
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